“And if the only reward
for racing through life,
is death,
then may I forever savor
the long way around;
languidly stretching myself
across every detour and backroad,
for if the destination is all the same,
at least may the journey
be a slow & scenic one”
-liz fair
the wonders:
After a summer of long walks encircling bodies of water, chats at airport gates, and being splayed out in the sun, it is difficult to come back to full-time work. A few days before driving to the airport to come back to my PhD program, I ask my sisters: is life about work or is it about play? It’s a natural feeling before September, the month of new beginnings and of restarts.
When you interact with other social creatures and test your boundaries at college, and then graduate and sit at a cubicle all day, a monologue starts in the mind: which is more important, work or play? This monologue begins in early adulthood and continues for years in the confines of a workspace. The days that I sit at my cubicle and wring my hands over an instrumental variable econometric specification, I dream of more time to play. And when I stare out into the ocean during the second week of vacation, I think about contributions I want to make with meaningful work. There is a back and forth with both of these domains, always playing on the mind, unresolved.
As I begin the second year of my PhD program, I wonder: how do I want to structure my time? Do I want to prioritize work, or time with people? I close my eyes and reflect as I’m sitting at my desk. I remember riding through the waves in Malta, hands outstretched while my cousins and I danced to music on the boat. I remember wading into warm water during a cotton candy sunset, buoying in the water without an end time. I ambled through cobblestone streets without a map in hand. Play was hiking in Shenandoah and carefully tiptoeing towards a waterfall. Play was sitting on the floor of my best friend’s in-laws helping her get ready. Play boils down to: I don’t do this with any expectation. I do this because I love you.
Play is different than pleasure, which is the expectation of an extrinsic event to make us better off than when we started. For example, I may think that traveling itself will relieve me of any woes. I may think that the wine at a vineyard will make me happier. And for some time, it will, but those feelings will also subside. Play is engaging with that process because I love it in and of itself, not because I expect anything from it. Play is going to the vineyard because I love spending time with my family and I want to try this new experience together. Play is traveling to another place to go to a wedding because I want to bear this experience together. I do this because I love you.
It’s a little more difficult to apply this mindset to work. I come back to USC, and I already fall back into habitual thought patterns. I get ready to go to class, because I need to pass. I take class, because it will give me tools for my dissertation. I need to earn a dissertation to qualify for certain jobs. I think back to the summer, and the monologue begins again. Which is more important, work or play? But what if work can be play? I do this because I love you. I open Stata because I love solving problems. I go to class because I love to learn. I open up new books because I love feeling infinite knowledge. I do this because I love you, I whisper to nothing in particular at my cubicle.
And now my schedule is starting to feel like play! I parse through dozens of PDFs and journal articles and create notes in the margins about what I think. I ideate on new questions with my colleagues for a study, based on what I’m interested in learning. That’s play! My advisor hands me textbooks to see what I can figure out, which doesn’t feel like play, until I tell myself to explore these uncharted spaces the way I did in Shenandoah. Something will work out.
All of it feels like I’m starting to understand patterns in human connection. That’s why I think that our play needs to have some kind of orientation. Something can be unmotivated and still have a direction. I want my playtime to work towards human connection, whether that’s my social, academic, or leisure time. But I don’t need to have a certain outcome in order to feel fulfilled from that experience. I FaceTime my friends and sit in a circle hearing about one of my besties getting engaged! I read about the ways in which power is dependent on labor. My cohortmate struggles through a research proposal with me. I think I get to understand the world a little better, find connections, and make connections. I hope my time, energy, resources, energy, and being can serve those purposes, all while having a mindset of play. It’s how I’ve found peace in this incessant internal monologue that’s been in my mind since graduating college.
Well, I still have a lot more school to go. But I hope to be engrossed in the process of it along the way, and have it feel like play.
behind the scenes:
I feel so strongly about “behind the scenes” moments and capturing them on film, my thoughts on which are here. Here are some moments of play from the summer!
things i’m reading (and you can too!):
- in .
so much empathy for the feels in this essay, especially around rest and being.
lightly reading Teaching to Transgress by bell hooks.
Boeing workers are organizing!! “This Union Is Organizing to Save Boeing From Itself”
I asked Bernie Sanders about a Gaza Ceasefire with Hasan Minhaj
recommended by pkc and I feel so heard throughout this interview.
A quote at the end: “Be thinking about what you want as the future of this country and demand that politicians deliver.”
We’ve Got You Covered: Rebooting American Health Care
Succinctly summarizes so many inefficiencies of the U.S. health care system (and there are many).
community corner:
I sat in on a community organizing class, and there were a few ideas I loved. The professor said “anyone can build an audience, but it’s harder to build a community.” That hit me so hard! I don’t post too much on my social media outlets anymore—usually reposts or check-ins, and this is the space I started with the intention of more deeply connect with others. But I haven’t had as many opportunities for actual enagement, although I’m so grateful for people who have responded in some form with their thoughts. I have a few questions for anyone who wants to reply in any mode that’s comfortable for you (comments, text, or email are all good!)
How was your summer?
Are you still thinking about your summer as you ease into your September?
What were some of your moments from summer? Did you have any moments that felt like play?
thanks for reading! and if you liked these essays, you may also like behind the scenes, on incentivizing failure, Does it need to add up?, and what’s the point of a souvenir?